High-Functioning, Still Struggling: My Journey to Joy

Emceeing a Conversation on Hidden Struggles

On May 8, 2025, I have the honor of emceeing an event for Dr. Judith Joseph, who is launching her new book High Functioning: Overcome Your Hidden Depression and Reclaim Your Joy (get your tickets here). This opportunity is deeply personal for me. Dr. Joseph’s message about being “high-functioning” while silently struggling resonates with my own life story in profound ways. In her book, she describes those of us with hidden depression who “on the surface… seem fine: succeeding at work, pulling our weight at home, and carrying on with our typical social life. Yet behind that mask of productivity we are barely surviving, and certainly not thriving” (Joseph, 2025)​. Reading those words stopped me in my tracks – because for a long time, that was me. I was the high-achiever who appeared to have it all together, even as I felt like I was falling apart inside. Emceeing this event isn’t just a professional engagement; it’s a celebration of how far I’ve come and a chance to share the truth that even the strongest among us need healing and joy.

The Mask of Being “High-Functioning”

For years, I was known as the woman who could do it all. I was pursuing a doctorate degree while raising three daughters, building my career as a therapist, and somehow juggling school pickups, dinner on the table, and every other responsibility life threw at me. Friends, family, even clients would often tell me, “You’re so strong,” or “I don’t know how you handle everything.” I wore that praise like a badge of honor. I smiled, performed strength and confidence, and made sure no one saw me stumble. On the outside, I was the definition of high-functioning success – the picture of a capable professional, wife and super-mom. I took pride in being the one who never asked for help, who never let a crack show in my polished façade.

Yet beneath that polished exterior, I carried a quiet, growing ache. Every night after I finished studying or putting the kids to bed, I would feel a wave of exhaustion wash over me – not just physical fatigue, but a deeper emotional emptiness. I’d watch tv with a hollow feeling or tidy up the house at midnight just to avoid the stillness. I didn’t dare slow down. I was afraid that if I ever took off my “strong woman” mask, even for a moment, everything might fall apart. In my heart I knew something was wrong, but I told myself “Keep going. You’re fine. Just work harder.” I was functioning, yes, but I was far from fine.

When Success Felt Empty

The turning point came during the end of my marriage. From the outside, my life still looked successful – I had the degree almost in hand, beautiful children, a home, a thriving career. But inside, I felt like a ghost in my own life. As my marriage unraveled, so did the illusion that I was living the dream I had always worked for. I woke up each morning feeling numb and disconnected, going through the motions for the kids and my clients, then collapsing into bed feeling utterly used up. I realized I had been pouring from an empty cup for far too long.

To cope with the pain and avoid facing that emptiness, I threw myself into hobbies and constant busyness. I started working out more, took on a few more clients, redecorated the living room, and even took up baking elaborate desserts – anything to fill my hours. Every time a wave of sadness or loneliness crept in, I’d sign up for another project or find a new distraction. For a brief moment, each hobby gave me a hit of relief or a sense of purpose. But as soon as I was alone with my thoughts, the ache was back, stronger than ever. I remember one evening sitting on my living room floor, surrounded by half-finished craft projects, feeling completely empty despite a life full of “activity.” I had never felt more alone than I did in that moment.

Looking back, I see that I was experiencing exactly what Dr. Joseph describes – a hidden form of depression that lurks behind high achievement. I later learned that many high-performing women feel “restless when [they] aren’t busy or empty when [they] are sitting still”​politics-prose.com. I was restless and afraid of the quiet, because in the quiet I had to face myself. All my successes and busy distractions couldn’t fill the void or fix the fact that I was deeply unhappy. Success felt meaningless when I couldn’t feel joy or peace within.

Joy as a Practice, Not a Performance

My true healing journey began the day I finally stopped performing. I decided to pause the endless striving and stop pretending I was okay. It was terrifying at first. I had to sit with my pain – to really look at the loneliness, the grief from my marriage ending, the years of self-neglect. As a therapist, I was used to tending others’ wounds, but now I had to tend my own. I often tell my clients to practice self-compassion, and now I had to take my own advice. I realized I had been waiting for joy to find me someday – after the next achievement or when life “calmed down.” Instead, I needed to choose joy on purpose, every single day.

At first, I wasn’t even sure what joy meant to me anymore. So I started small. Each day I looked for one small thing I could do just because it made me happy – not because it was productive or expected, but purely for my soul. One day I took a walk in the park with no phone, just feeling the sun on my face. Another day I put on my favorite old R&B playlist and danced in the kitchen with my daughters, dinner prep be damned. I started journaling again, not to achieve anything, but to hear my own voice. These little acts were my way of practicing joy, like tiny sparks lighting up a dark room.

Slowly, those sparks grew brighter. The more I nurtured these moments, the more alive I felt. Joy became a practice for me – an intentional choice rather than a fleeting reward. I even learned that there’s science behind this: researchers have found that people who engage in small daily “micro-acts” of joy see a significant boost in well-being, about a 25% increase in emotional well-being in just one week​ (npr.org). I hadn’t known that statistic at the time; I was simply doing what my heart needed. But it’s validating to discover that these simple choices to prioritize joy truly can rewire our emotional state. Little by little, I felt my numbness thaw and my spirit rekindle. I laughed more – real, belly laughs – and cried too, releasing emotions I’d held in for years. I began to feel like a whole person, not just a robot going through tasks. This was not about chasing happiness or putting on a happy face; it was about cultivating genuine joy from within.

Importantly, I also learned to let others in. I allowed close friends to see my tears and fears instead of saying “I’m fine” all the time. And I went to therapy myself, delving into the grief and trauma I had long suppressed. Giving myself permission to be vulnerable was an act of courage – and it was essential for healing. Joy can only take root in authenticity; I had to embrace my real self, flaws and all, to experience true joy again.

Choosing Myself and Embracing Authenticity

The greatest lesson in this journey was learning to choose myself. For so long, I lived for external validation and meeting everyone else’s expectations. I was the reliable daughter, the overachieving student, the supportive wife, the supermom, the capable supervisor, and the caring therapist. I derived my self-worth from how well I could make others happy and how perfectly I could play all these roles. But constantly performing to please others left me with no energy to care for me. A huge part of making the decision to divorce was that if I didn’t start choosing myself, there would be nothing left of me to give.

Choosing myself meant setting boundaries for the first time – saying no to demands that drained me and no longer apologizing for needing rest or help. It meant redefining success not as “doing it all” but as being true to myself. I stopped saying “yes” to every request out of guilt. I stopped trying to be the perfect mother and instead focused on being a present mother, one who models self-love and honesty. (In fact, I realized one of the greatest gifts I could give my daughters was showing them what it looks like when a woman values herself.) I wanted them to see that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes, and that taking care of your own heart is not selfish – it’s necessary.

Most of all, I stopped judging myself for having struggles. I let go of the shame that whispered “But you’re a therapist, you should know how to handle this.” Yes, I’m a therapist – but I’m also human. I came to accept that even healers need healing, and even the “strong ones” are allowed to fall apart and rebuild. In fact, accepting my own humanity has made me a more empathetic therapist and a more present mother and friend. Authenticity became my new superpower. The more I embraced who I really am – sensitive, sometimes silly, occasionally messy, and stronger than ever for having survived hardship – the more joy flowed into my life.

Healing, I learned, often comes through the radical act of choosing yourself. It’s choosing to believe that you matter, that your feelings are valid, and that you deserve happiness not because of what you do for others, but because of who you are. When I finally chose me, I began to heal the broken pieces inside, realizing that I actually was NOT broken. It wasn’t an overnight transformation. It was a gradual, tender process of becoming whole again. But day by day, by prioritizing my well-being and practicing joy from within rather than chasing it through achievements, I transformed my life. I went from merely surviving to truly thriving.

From Surviving to Thriving: Joy on the Other Side

Today, I can honestly say I feel joy more deeply than ever before. Not the performative “look how great my life is” kind of joy, but a quiet, resilient joy that comes from knowing and loving myself. Yes, I am still that high-achieving woman in many ways – I earned my doctorate, I run a business, I care for my children – but I no longer measure my worth by how perfectly I juggle everything. I measure it by my inner peace and authenticity. There are still tough days, of course. But now when I struggle, I don’t hide it behind a mask of busyness or pretend I’m invulnerable. I face it, I reach out, and I remind myself that I am worthy of the same compassion I give to others.

As I prepare to stand on stage with Dr. Judith Joseph, I feel a full-circle moment unfolding. The theme of her book – reclaiming joy from the clutches of hidden depression – is the very journey I have lived. I am thrilled to celebrate her work because it validates the experiences of so many people like me who have suffered in silence. If you have ever been the “strong” one who secretly feels weak or the high-functioning person who is privately hurting, I want you to know this: You are not alone, and there is hope. It’s possible to dismantle that facade, to lay down the burden of perfection, and to rebuild your life in a way that genuinely lights you up.

I share my story in the spirit of vulnerability and empowerment. Vulnerability, because it’s not always easy to admit that I, Dr. Dalesa Rueda – a therapist who helps others heal – have walked through darkness and needed help myself. Empowerment, because I want you to see that there is power in choosing yourself and in prioritizing your joy. When you do, you ignite a light inside that no external validation can ever match.

Joy is a practice and a choice. I choose it now, every day, and it has made all the difference. If you find yourself where I was – excelling on the outside but empty within – I invite you to join me in gently peeling off that mask and stepping into the life you deserve. It starts with one small act of kindness toward yourself, one moment of joy that you allow yourself to feel. Over time, those moments will multiply and guide you from merely surviving to truly thriving.

As I step up to the microphone to emcee Dr. Joseph’s event, I will do so with a heart full of gratitude and hope. Gratitude for the journey that brought me here – every twist and turn of it – and hope for everyone who is still on their way. May we all remember that even in our high-functioning, busy lives, we owe ourselves the gift of joy and authenticity. Choosing yourself is not the easy path, but it is the path to freedom. And on the other side of that choice lies the joy that has been waiting for you all along.

If you're in the Philadelphia area and this article touched you in any way, join Dr. Dalesa for this exciting event!